August, be careful of my tender heart.
This month, brings the hint of my favorite season.
It draws out the end of summer... giving us nostalgic day dreams, icecream evenings and moments of joy as we squeeze out the last days of summer freedom.
For me, it marks the official anniversary of Captured & Reclaimed. Something truly to celebrate.
But it also brings pain and sorrow. August 5, 2016 was my due date.
Last year we anticipated this date with such excitement and hope.
We were filled with longing to finally meet the precious baby we had worked so hard to concieve.
Years of treatments, thousands of dollars, countless needles, Dr.'s appointments, therapy sessions and nights where we held each other as tears flowed.
Finally we were going to have our long awaited baby.
I let myself dream of the first Halloween costume, the nursery designs, a long winter filled with baby snuggles and sweet memories.
As the final moments of the year drew to an end, so did my first pregnancy.
For no reason, other than "these things happen", our dreams shattered in an instant.
I recall being in our third ultrasound... waiting for the heartbeat again and to hear reassurance that the baby was okay... inspite of my constant pain and sudden lack of symptoms.
"This is not good" our Dr. said.
And I could see on the screen the empty womb.
I knew before I was ready to know, so I lay there waiting for confirmation of this bad news.
I was numb.
All four of us (me, my husband, the Dr. and his nurse) had a moment of stunned silence before they left us to ourselves.
I shook as I redressed. I couldn't look Matt in the eyes. I didn't want to be living in this moment, facing this heartbreak.
I broke down.
The tears came and they would not stop. Our sweet, precious baby... gone.
All year, I've been navigating this land of grief. Trying to strike a balance between letting myself feel and be.
Trying to claw my way back to normalcy, to myself.
Struggling to accept
to move forward.
Praying for strength while crying out in anger.
All the while holding this small creative business in my hands and in my heart. An idea birthed in me through the long years of infertility.
slowly I found my way.
I connected and I shifted and I worked hard to love myself along the way.
Sometimes the desire to paint, or to write would hit me and I would accept this beautiful gift of creative energy.
I worked on custom orders, I redid our master bedroom, I stocked my booth and continued to find healing comfort in the process of creating. In carving out my days and learning to hope again.
I nurtured this creative business... letting it grow. I started blogging, I booked markets. I moved forward.
It is bitter and sweet. Filled with good and soaked through with remnents of what might have been.
I feel ready.
I feel renewed. Cautious and hopeful.
As this anniversary and due date have approached, I have felt a surge of energy... I have wrote, I have created, I have painted.
We have planned to take steps, to move forward... in growing Captured & Reclaimed, as well as, our family.
whatever uncertainty the future holds...
I know ...
I will be okay.
In the space
where words float
where grit collects
hearts beat until
their final day
This space, this place, the here and now
it breaks us down and rings us out
in this space
we learn to rise
here we wish, we hope, we cry
hear we clash and beat our chests
here we are... Until our final breath
this space, this place, the here and now
it builds us up and tears us down
we forward face
here we trudge through waters deep
here, our brothers heart, we keep
this space, this place
where beauty grows
life ever unfolds
our only chance...
and yet, somehow
in all the dark and burdened plights
here and now
I love a rainy day.
Every rainy day... every thunderstorm... seems to me like a special gift from the creator of the universe. A little reminder that says "look for the beauty, take a rest, breathe the fresh air, be renewed, soak up the good, breathe deep, move slow, pause, think, Be and of course... enjoy my dear... enjoy"
That's the message that I feel in my soul every rainy day.
Sometimes... I really need a rainy day.
And yet the sun is on full blast, the air is humid and heavy, the breeze is absent, and the heat index is scorching. A crisis bubbles over and takes center stage. My empathetic heart breaks as pain, suffering, and heartbreak run rampant in my community, my family, my life.
Like so many people, I have to be very careful, because I can easily be dragged down. My companion Depression will seize the opportunity. My Anxiety will jump in the drivers seat. My heart will take a beating and my head will cloud. And I will become a hot mess.
I had to learn. THE HARD WAY. To keep vigilant. To watch out for these times. To find new skills and tools that can help navigate through. Because they are part of life, these hard times, they come and they go,and they wreak havoc. But I do not need to lie down and succumb.
I've found that one of the best things I can do. IS to actively practice Self Compassion.
Self-Compassion: is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others.-Christopher Germer
I self care. I find ways to send myself that same message that the Creator sends me on a rainy day.
Listening to music that calms. Turning off the tv. Eliminating the overstimulating distractions. Finding joy in simple activities. Deep breathing. Exercise.
Yesterday, I had a much needed Full Day Self Care.
I went to a scheduled therapy appointment. I made a decision NOT to ruminate on the issues after I left.
I bought colored pencils and other art supplies.
I got a massage.
I ate healthy.
I spent time deep breathing and meditating.
I spent time in prayer.
I made myself my favorite treat (rice krispies).
when I felt good and calm and filled and relaxed and renewed.
I went to bed.
Feeling as if I had experienced a rainy day.
A gift I gave myself.
along with these beautiful colored pencils, pens and markers.
Self care is an act of love.
It is critical in my life & has helped to make all the difference in how I approach, how I cope, how I endure, and how I rise.
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome. -John 1:5
I love using words to connect with my fellow humans.