I'm someone who has been described as passionate. (By my therapist, and she should know)
Ive often reflected on the way I FEEL an emotion.
I remember times of exuberant joy when I would stop and admire because I was experiencing it so intensely. Which is exactly the same for negative emotions as well.
Yet, not nearly as pleasent.
It is no surprise to me that I suffer from depression.
And unlucky for me...
within the last 8 years developed an issue with anxiety too.
For people who have trouble understanding I try to expalin it on a scale. Say person A,B & C all have a shared experience and it is highly stressful... They might begin at a level 1 or 2 and the stressful event might take them up to a 5, or 6. Well , when I am starting out... Im already at a 5 or 6.
the intensity level is jacked up and someone set my autopilot too high. So my response may seem like it is "too much" but its not, im opperating with a shorter fuse or a sensitive trigger.
Knowing this about myself, Ive worked out a lot of ways I can help remain at midrange... Things Like required-down time, limited caffeine, saying no, reading books, taking "lets look at the clouds" breaks and deep breathing.
I do all those things and more...
But sometimes it wont cut it.
Especially when we are knee deep in fertility treatments and Im being poked with giant needs filled with mood altering hormones.
Or when 3 major projects for my emerging small business collide and I'm at the helm steering all of them.
Or when my hormonal female system hyjacks my brain function and my emotional climate.
Or when tragic, heartbreaking events transpire and I stand with my whole country in disbelief and horror that THIS kind of terror is so rampant.
Sometimes my meters are off the charts. And I have a disastrous climactic hot mess of a meltdown,. followed by some major self care.
Sometimes I am prepared for the dark storm clouds and I have small victories of keeping them at bay.
it boils down to this:
I have to unlearn alot of behavior...
Like detaching my definition of self -from some of my negative emotions.... Because all though they are intense they are not ALL OF ME.
Like turning away from my beloved coffee drink, social media, the news or anything else that will trigger my system into hyper drive.
So I cry. Sometimes I cry alot, and the tears are just sitting inside my eyelids waiting to pour out.
Sometimes I cant cry at all. The well seems completely tapped out.
And yet, i keep putting one foot in front of the other. Knowing that bad moments do pass, intensity does not sustain... Crying and other emotions ebb and flow.
And I can participate in the rebuilding of my broken down system.
Rest and recharging is absolutely required.
To live, to be, to make, to evolve, to love, to share, to lead, to hope,
and those good moments will come, they are allready here. I just have to train my eyes to see them. And walk my path carrying only gratitude, handing out love in every direction.
Im trying. I hope it is reflected in my journey, in my words, in my actions.
I love using words to connect with my fellow humans.