August, be careful of my tender heart.
This month, brings the hint of my favorite season.
It draws out the end of summer... giving us nostalgic day dreams, icecream evenings and moments of joy as we squeeze out the last days of summer freedom.
For me, it marks the official anniversary of Captured & Reclaimed. Something truly to celebrate.
But it also brings pain and sorrow. August 5, 2016 was my due date.
Last year we anticipated this date with such excitement and hope.
We were filled with longing to finally meet the precious baby we had worked so hard to concieve.
Years of treatments, thousands of dollars, countless needles, Dr.'s appointments, therapy sessions and nights where we held each other as tears flowed.
Finally we were going to have our long awaited baby.
I let myself dream of the first Halloween costume, the nursery designs, a long winter filled with baby snuggles and sweet memories.
As the final moments of the year drew to an end, so did my first pregnancy.
For no reason, other than "these things happen", our dreams shattered in an instant.
I recall being in our third ultrasound... waiting for the heartbeat again and to hear reassurance that the baby was okay... inspite of my constant pain and sudden lack of symptoms.
"This is not good" our Dr. said.
And I could see on the screen the empty womb.
I knew before I was ready to know, so I lay there waiting for confirmation of this bad news.
I was numb.
All four of us (me, my husband, the Dr. and his nurse) had a moment of stunned silence before they left us to ourselves.
I shook as I redressed. I couldn't look Matt in the eyes. I didn't want to be living in this moment, facing this heartbreak.
I broke down.
The tears came and they would not stop. Our sweet, precious baby... gone.
All year, I've been navigating this land of grief. Trying to strike a balance between letting myself feel and be.
Trying to claw my way back to normalcy, to myself.
Struggling to accept
to move forward.
Praying for strength while crying out in anger.
All the while holding this small creative business in my hands and in my heart. An idea birthed in me through the long years of infertility.
slowly I found my way.
I connected and I shifted and I worked hard to love myself along the way.
Sometimes the desire to paint, or to write would hit me and I would accept this beautiful gift of creative energy.
I worked on custom orders, I redid our master bedroom, I stocked my booth and continued to find healing comfort in the process of creating. In carving out my days and learning to hope again.
I nurtured this creative business... letting it grow. I started blogging, I booked markets. I moved forward.
It is bitter and sweet. Filled with good and soaked through with remnents of what might have been.
I feel ready.
I feel renewed. Cautious and hopeful.
As this anniversary and due date have approached, I have felt a surge of energy... I have wrote, I have created, I have painted.
We have planned to take steps, to move forward... in growing Captured & Reclaimed, as well as, our family.
whatever uncertainty the future holds...
I know ...
I will be okay.
I love using words to connect with my fellow humans.